Still working

So far so good. New job is working well. I haven't managed to work out since starting the new job, though. I am using the Lose It app for my i phone. I have managed to lose another 4.5 lbs. since my last post. Still in the overweight category, and according to to wi i fit, my ideal weight is still another 23 lbs to go. ideal? I think I weighed that much when I was 17!! Whatever. Another 3-4 pounds, and I think I'm good to go. After all, I am a man, not a teenager!

Still debating about the car, can't use the fed. clunker program since it's a high MPG japanese car. plus I'm not big into destroying things that are clearly still useful. I might take it to a dismantler. or donate for a tax benefit.

LG is going through her terrible 3s right now, but she's not even three yet! (Soon, very soon). She's making the transition into pre-school (age 3-4) right now. Uh-oh, big kids, big britches!

I was a speaker/moderator at a group for adoptive dads (to-be) last month. Interesting.

People at my new job ask me if I have kids, and when I say, 1, they always ask are you going to have more?

Announcements

• I start a new job on Monday.
• I have lost 10 lbs. with a combination of Wii Fit, EA Sports Active, and reduction of food intake. 3 Months. My BMI is still over 26 (overweight category).
• My car failed smog inspection.
• The produce clerk asked LG if she had a little brother. She replied, "Not Yet."

Memory Flash

I was driving back from the grocery store with my window down and my arm on the ledge.  The wind was blowing up my cuff, and rolling the edge back, almost folding it over.  I was reminded of a woman I dated in college, who “taught” me to cuff my sweatshirt sleeves.  I say “taught” because as a little kid, my parents would do that for my jackets to make sure my hands wouldn’t be covered up, since I was small.

As I got older, like a teenager, I stopped doing it, because it looks “lame.”  And it highlights the fact that you’re small.  (As if all the kids didn’t know I was short anyways).  When I went to college, I met a lot of other Asian Americans and grew to find an acceptance into a community where I “looked” like I belonged.  This woman I dated was about 4’11” and she had a lot of the same clothing size related issues I did.  And even though my sweatshirts were cuffed, it sure looked better than massively bunched up sleeves!  Anyway, my college experience was a growth period for me as an Asian American, where I began to get comfortable in my skin.

What happens when you grow up as a minority Asian in your community and school?  If it is anything like me, you grow up as the smallest kid in your class.  Always in the front for the class picture.  Too small to play during recess with the kids in your class.  Always losing in 1 on 1 basketball.  Always losing at tetherball, cuz you can’t ever reach the ball to get your chance to swing it.  Always getting denied at the school dances cuz you come up to the girls’ armpits.  Can’t go out for football cuz your too small (rules out  your chances with the cheerleaders).  I guess you can always study hard and try for the smart chicks.  High school.  Hard time for everyone actually.  I did eventually date a cheerleader, though…

Anyway, it’s funny how a simple event like a wind draft up your sleeve can trigger a flood of memories and experiences.

Diabetes

I rode 50 Miles on Sunday for the Amer ican Diabetes Asso ciation.  It was a 4 hour ride for me, since I hadn't trained for it like I thought I would.  I have 2 family members currently living with diabetes.  There is some belief that type 2 diabetes (or the pre-disposition towards it) runs in the family.  This could also be more lifestyle-related, and families (even grown adult siblings of the same family) tend to have been influenced by and live a similar lifestyle.  Meaning increased exercise and a 'better' diet lifestyle can work to fight type 2.  

This is one of the reasons I ride for, donate to, and raise money for the Amer ican Diabetes Asso ciation.  Because:  

You are at an increased risk for type 2 diabetes if you are

•  African-American, Latino, Native American, Asian American or Pacific Islander
  
• Over 45
• Underactive, overweight, or obese (According to my Wii fit, I am overweight, borderline obese)
• someone with a family history of diabetes
• a woman who has had gestational diabetes
  

so for me, already 3 out of 5, creeping up on 4 out of 5 (age) - and since I am NOT a woman, I could never really get to 5 of 5....

I used to be very active as a teen and in my early 20s, but "Grown-up" life doesn't really seem to allow time for exercise.  It doesn't pay the mortgage, buy the groceries, feed and diaper the kid, wash the laundry, keep the lights on, run the heater, etc. etc.

But when you think about these risk factors, and keep in mind that our food supply (and thus our bodies and our health) is loaded with fat, sugar, salt, and preservatives, you have to admit, we're on a road going steeply downhill with crappy brakes.  

I am glad to have ridden on Sunday, rain and shine, and for the insight this event has given me to keep my weight down and increase my cardio exercise.  Ride on!

Updates

• 3 weeks of Wii Fit.  No noticeable BMI or weight change, although I am trimming down in the waistline a bit.  
  
• Bicycle riding.  I have been riding about an hour a day, and according to my bike computer, I am burning about 4-500 calories.  So over a week, I should lose 1 pound.  7 days x 500 calories= 3500 calories= 1 pound.
  
• I am riding 50 miles on Sunday, I expect it to take 4-5 hours.
• LG has been wearing underwear to school for 2 days now.  Not a single accident.  (Diapers at nap and nighttime, though)
• Possibly could have met Firegirl, who was out in my neck of the woods, but schedules did not permit.  Rats!
• LGs been taking a keen interest in newborn babies (one of her classmates has a new baby brother) - and I am really processing the 'talk.'  She has some knowledge of our trip to China, where we started as a family, and of the orphanage where she was living, and the caretakers, but I think she's starting to process where are her pictures as a baby....

Bad Blogger

Yup, that's me.  You would think, being laid off, that I would have time to post.  Like every day.  Guess not.  What have I been doing?

1) looking for a job

2) filing for unemployment

3) lots of domestic duties

4) daddy-daycare a couple of days a week

5) car maintenance

6) eating alot 

so today, this is our newest addition to the family.

Happy New Year

For those who follow CNY, Happy New Year.

It's been awhile, so we'll do the bullets update.

• the economic situation has hit home, Stew is being laid off in a month.
• LG is talking ALOT. Starting to say 3 word sentences. a fave right now is "daddy, MY (insert word)
• the "my" is getting dropped from "mommy," who is now about 50% of the time being referred to as "Mom" Remember, she's not even 2 1/2 yet!
• She likes using her "chop-chop" (chopsticks) but gets frustrated after 10-15 seconds and reverts to the spoon
• Potty-training is still in progress; she can keep a dry diaper, and sometimes will tell you when she needs to pee, but when in training pants, she just pees and then tells you she pee'd.
• She started eating chicken drumsticks right off the bone.
• doesn't cry every single time she falls down anymore.
• Fell down the stairs the other night when she was running away from me (down the stairs) while I was insisting that she hold me hand. After 2 stairs somersault and 4-5 stairs of Superman slide; me throwing down the food and scrambling after her without stepping on her, I was able to hold her and comfort her a bit, and reprimand her for NOT holding my hand on her way down the stairs. She was more scared, and only suffer a small rug burn on her nose, and definitely slowed down and held my hand for the 2 flights of stairs.

That's about all I can come-up with, and that we're going to be eating Chinese food for about the next month non-stop. In the exact words out of LG's mouth - "Why?"

"Because we're Chinese."

"Why?"

"uhh...because we are."

More sick

Well, I was off work on Monday because I got a cold; I didn't even lift my head off the pillow until 11AM. It would have been a good day to do some blog posts, but I barely got up to take some A!rborn, the 'proven, non-effective supplement'. Went back to work yesterday, with some congestion, but runny nose gone.

Last week LG had diarhea. Luckily, she's been doing some potty training, so the first episode was on the toilet (we use a potty seat on the toilet, not a self-contained potty chair). She was still unhappy about it, though. Early the next morning she had another episode in her diaper. Whew, stinkyyyy!

Anyway, she was still eating, and had no fever, and generally seemed OK, but we stayed home and she napped for about 1 hour in the mid-morning and then again in the afternoon for about 2 hours. I guess she needed the rest.

Later that night, she had another BM; solid this time. But it was whitish color (or absent of color). I've heard of this before; for people with nasty colds, but I know that not everyone looks at and discusses their BMs. Especially not the color or shape or consistency of it. (except for new parents, and then it's only about the kid's BM, not their own)

Each day has progress with more and more color, so it appears to be more normal now. A couple of days ago I g00g led 'white BM' and found some link to forums where people mentioned it might be mucus, and just montior it for a few days - if it persists to call the ped then. so I think we're OK, the BMs are solid and somehwat colored again. sorry if it's TMI,

Bullets

2 bullets because there are 2 topics...

• We bought some small chopsticks for LG. Just to start practicing with. Some things, we are just REALLY old-school about. And using chopsticks (for me) is one of those things. DW sent me video link a couple of years ago about ‘making trainer chopsticks’ with some paper and a rubber band, and I flat out told her – “no way is a kid of mine going to be seen using something like that. Back in the day, no one in China ever used ‘Trainer chopsticks.’ As a matter of fact, did you use trainer chopsticks? Because I know for a fact that I never had a rubber band around mine.” My mom actually had a homemade set of small bamboo chopsticks (cut down and sanded smooth) for us kids to learn with. I think in Asia kids start using chopsticks around the age of 3 – so up until now, we’ve been using fork and spoon with LG, but one night, at one of our favorite Chinese restaurants, we saw a father with his 2 daughters eating dinner. And the youngest (who looked smaller than LG) was using chopsticks (!!). So a few days later we went to the Ichibankan (Japanese $0.99 store) and found some small chopsticks that even had little grippy bumps on the end (helpful since the Japanese chopsticks are tapered). So far, she has had a couple of successful uses – noodles and a piece of chicken. No pressure, though, she can always switch to her fork or spoon (or fingers), if necessary.

• Last night I asked DW if LG was Happy. She looked at me as if I were high. I couldn’t put my question into other words. I mean she’s got a killer sweet demeanor, hugs, kisses, she shares (not main foods, but snacks). She smiles, and laughs, loves to tickle and be tickled. She loves piggy-back rides, gives and receives massages. She plays with shoes, often wearing DW or mine and shuffling around the house. She plays with her dolls and stuffed animals. She loves looking for choo-choos as we drive around town. She’s friendly and outgoing (but sometimes a little shy or bashful). What I’m wondering is, is she happy? I mean her life, like is she happy with her life? With us. Because on some level, this union as a family was a choice. Which seems a weird way to put it. But if LG were able to choose, would she have chosen us?

Pt. 4

Thursday, day 4 at home from school. Mommie stayed home with LG and they had a wonderful day together. Some coughing persists, but generally, she’s better. They went to my MILs and she ate almost an entire Chinese tamale by herself. Whew, her appetite is back!

I came home kind of early, around 5:40. LG was in a bit of a mood, though, preferring to have Mommie hold her, but Mommie was trying to prepare chicken for dinner. LG wanted to sit on the counter next to Mommie’s raw chicken cutting board, but wouldn’t let me pick her up to put her there. Tears rolling, and crying out, Mooooommiiiiiiiieeeee! Mmmmoooooommmmmmiiiiiiieeeee!!!

Finally, I was able to set her on the counter, and she kept trying to push me away with her hands and her feet. But I had to stay there to make sure she didn’t try to grab the knife (she is only 2, after all). She started looking around the counter and saw some old, stale Cheese puffs that she wanted to eat. So she asked me (reluctantly), and since I was able to open the bag for her. Eventually, (after about 6 cheese puffs) she let me stay there, too.

We had a wonderful evening of family time, with DW wrapping presents and LG helping with the sticker labels. Mommie and LG went in for bath time, and I cleaned up the kitchen. Afterwards, the usual repaper for bedtime rituals, and Mommie and LG went off to bed.

About 5 minutes later, DW comes out and says, “she’s asking for you.” Huh? Ok, I get up to gio to LG’s bedroom, where I am greeted by LG, who has gotten out of bed to come get me. She pulls me by the hand to her bed, climbs in, I tuck her in, and she whispers, “Daddy.”

“I’m here,” I whispered, as a I put my hand on her back. And in about 3 minutes, she was sound asleep.



Friday morning update: Today she went to daycare – boy, was she happy to see all her familiar faces! Big smiles! And a very easy, “Bye, Daddy!”

pt 3

edit: I guess I actually forgot to post about Day 2 home with Daddy. So Monday, Day#1 (off work) - was the day following Daddy's night (called night #2). Day #2 (Tuesday) actually seemed like she was getting better. She ate a couple of bites of banana and yogurt, and 2 sips of milk for breakfast. Then she sat next to me, while I did some work form home, and drew on some paper. Then she drew on her hand and wanted to wash it off. On the way to the bathroom, she was so excited, she started to run. And tripped and fell head-first into the door frame. Screaming, crying, you name it.
I thought she needed a long drive to get some extra nap time in, so we drove to another part of the bay for some lunch. Which she did (sleep). Got there, ordered up a fish taco with some beans and rice. She had 1 bite of beans and rice, started coughing and wanted NO more. She sat on my lap and was hot and flushed in the face, so we got back into the car and drove home. She slept again for about 30 minutes.
When we got home, I turned on the choo-choo for her, and she sat, leaning up against the couch on some pillows, zoning out with the video, until she finally pooped out around 3:15 and fell alseep. So I left her there on the floor to sleep for about 1 and 1/2 hours while I did some work from home.
She had a couple of bites of dinner, and then she was done. DW had a great idea for some menthol chest rub, so off I went while Mommie and LG did bath time. She didn't want milk, but sat them calmly while I rubber the menthol on her. She actually seemed to like it. I wondered if they used something similar in the orphanage (I'm actually pretty sure they did, seems like a very 'Chinese' thing to do). DW was able to get her down for sleep at 9.
edit complete.

Well actually, it's Day 3. Another day home with LG yesterday. She actually slept the whole night without getting up or crying out once! However, she still had a pretty deep cough, and I was thinking that at the daycare, she'd be playing outside etc, so she wouldn't be resting. So she stayed with me, we went grocery shopping, then went to have lunch with Mommie. She fell asleep in the car for about 10 minutes. We actually ran some errands and she didn't want anything to eat, so we went home and she slept for about 40 minutes in the car (i just parked it until she coughed herself awake).
Then we went inside and I was able to whip up some tunasalad and feed her some on some butter crackers. Whew! It's nice to know she's starting to eat again. She didn't want any milk, though, makes her cough alot.
Then I made her lie down, turned off the choo-choo video, turned off the Christmas tree lights, pryed the choo-choo out of her fingers, turned on her lullaby music, and let her cry it out for about 10 minutes, "Mommmieeee! My choo-choo! My choo-choo! Lights (Christmas tree)!!! Mommiee!! Mommmieeee!!! etc. (10 minutes)"
Then she was out light a light. For 2 hours.
Had a fantastic dinner where she actually ate a good amount.
Bath, night-time milk, some menthol rub, and asleep within 5 minutes of laying down.

Then Mommie and I had a little talk (again).
Her: Do you want me stay home with her tomorrow?
Me: Well, I absolutely need to go to work, because I keep rescheduling this one thing that I have to get done.
Her: But I have an 8:30 appointment.
Me: Depends if she's feeling OK; I guess I could drop her off at my parents
Her: ....
Me: I really think you should spend some time with her.
Her: It's really no different than her going to daycare (meaning the same number of hours that DW and LG weren't spending together)
Me: Well, it really is different, becasue she spent the last 3 days almost exclusively with ME.
Her: ....
Her: Well, I guess you could drop her off and tell them to call ME if she needs to be picked up (due to her cough)
Me: Maybe you should try to get off early, so you can pick her up and spend some girl time together.
Her: She just has a different relationship with you than she does with me...I don't know why, but it's different.
Me: I know, but she'll be really happy to spend some alone time with you...

and with that, the teeth-brushing, etc. was completed and the conversation was over.



Oh and LG slept soundly through the night, just coughing a couple of times, and with a little decongestant, she was able to breathe wasy and cough-free for the next 3 hours. Going to daycare, Daddy's going to work, Mommie's going to work, then Daddy's gonna call Mommie at work and harass her to get off work early.

pt. 2

Well, as it turns out, soon after the last post, LG picked up a cold that came with a 102 F fever. Consequently, she was stuck to her Mommie that night for comfort, which was an all-night affair, due to the congestion, coughing, fever-ish delirium, and general discomfort. Various OTC meds offered some relief, but the fever just needed it time. So DW spent the entire night with LG holding her, soothing her, sleeping with her on the floor - sharing the pillow- or letting LG have the middle of the pillow, until about 6AM (so I am told), when LG suddenly sat up, crawled into bed, and pulled the covers up to her neck.

Sunday morning was better, the fever broke, and we went out for lunch. Well, after we got back, the fever returned, but it was hovering around 101.4 F or so. (Is that an improvement?) So then last night, she started off to bed with me, but after a couple of rounds of coughing and trying to climb out her bed (falling into the bed with her face several times), she decided enough was enough. "Mooooommmmmmmmie!!!!!!"

So in went Mommie, who had already decided that her previous night of no sleep was not going to be repeated and I would sleep with LG. (As if it's determined by us, not LG). DW also decided that if LG was too sick for daycare on Monday, Stew would stay home because Stew gets sick time at work, whereas DW uses vacation time. Anyway, LG was comforted by Mommie for about an hour, then screamed out for Daddddiiiieeeee! So in I went. And spent the rest of night on the floor, but every 30 minutes or so LG would cry out for Mommie or Daddy, or her favorite stuffed animals (who were in the bed with her). And every 30 minutes, I would pop my head up and tell her, Mommie's sleeping, Daddy's here. Put your head down, it's OK, Daddy's here. And rest my hand on her back until she drifted off to sleep.

50 /50. Mommie, 1st of 2 nights; Daddy, 2nd of 2 nights.

Daddy, all of Monday with sick LG. If LG is still sick tomorrow, Daddy - all of Tuesday with LG.

This is what I'm talking about - for LG, it's not 50/50.

I have had lots of topics to post about, but haven’t had much time. And as such, the topics have expressly left my little pea-brain. I’m home with LG today, she’s sporting a 102F fever and some head congestion with post-nasal drip and a cough. So I’m trying to keep here comfortable and entertained with crayons, choo-choo trains, and bananas (and now la-la).

I don’t think I’ve read any adoption blog posts about this topic of attachment, so I’m sticking my neck out there. Have any of you ‘pulled-away’ from your child to sort-of ‘force’ bonding onto the other parent? I do.

We started our bonding and attachment education and process during our wait. Our agency had a social worker present a class on the topic that we attended during our paperchase. There were many suggestions to help initiate the process for both parents. Truth be told, the wait was so long, that seemingly the class advice slipped from our minds.

During our wait, we heard tons of stories from well-intending family members and friends about other ‘family’ members’ and their friends’ experiences after coming home with an adopted child. The stories that we heard the most often were that the dad-child bonding was the worst. That the kid would scream and holler at the sight of the dad. That the dad couldn’t hold, or even touch, the child without an extreme meltdown. (And the mom-child bonding was suggested to be automatic and not-an-issue). So we tried to make an extra effort to do 50/50 everything when we were in China.

I posted about me being the ‘preferred one’ for the first few months home, then DW became the ‘preferred one’ when I got very busy at work. As a matter of fact, for the first few months home, we used to take turns putting her down at night, and giving the night-time milk, and reading the night-time story, but then one night, LG suddenly decided she only wanted mommie for going to bed. To the point of pushing me out of the room and closing the door on me, with an emphatic, “Nooooooooo, Daddddddddiiiiieeeee.... Mommie!”

But now DW has taken on additional work, and so she puts in even more hours at work than I do, so we're back to LG has a little more time with me than DW. I know we've been home for about 15 months now, and that LG is securely attached and bonded to us (as compared to others). So I'm kind of flashing back to the first coule of months home.

So lately, sometimes, LG really just wants me. I don’t know if it’s just the male attention thing, or if we just had a really great morning, of she’s already doing that mother-daughter thing, or what. But I feel like I’m hogging our daughter or even causing a rift between the 2 of them. So even on those long days when after work DW picks up LG from daycare, and goes home and cooks while I’m stuck at work, I continue to encourage the DW-LG quality time by making myself busy in the kitchen, taking out the garbage, or doing laundry; “forcing” my poor, tired DW to do the bath time, lotion, pajamas, toy clean-up, hair brushing, teeth-brushing, milk-time all by herself. Because I know that these items are still critical bonding-time activities. Anyone else do this? (Moms or dads)

TV Reality?

DW is catching up on Grae’s Anat omy. I’m not sure what season, though. Last night we watched an episode where a woman brought a baby into the ER and the baby the baby had fallen down and was crying, but suddenly stopped. The Dr. took the baby and discovered that she was still breathing, but then all of a sudden the woman collapsed on the floor.

Apparently (I was doing something else and not watching), the woman had fallen down the stairs with the baby and broken some ribs herself and they (the ribs) punctured her heart and lungs, so she was in life-threatening danger. The baby had suffered a brain bruise or some brain swelling, but was generally OK. The dad was really not too interested in the baby or the status of the baby, rather he was really anxious about the surgery his wife was about to have and he said something like, “… we just adopted her last week and now I really need to be with my wife.”

The woman was all tubed-up and she was really concerned about the baby, one of the interns asked her if she wanted to see the baby, and the woman nodded yes. As the intern was wheeling the baby into the room, the woman crashed, and doctors were everywhere and the man told the intern to ‘get that baby out of here!’ I think the woman stabilized.

Then as the baby got better, and was cleared for discharge, the wife’s condition was worsening; she kept spring leaks in her lungs. And the dad (husband) basically said he couldn’t raise the baby girl if something happened to his wife, that the doctor should tell him who to talk to (to find another family for the girl), “I just don’t see myself when I look at her; she just looks like a baby, not a piece of me.” He wouldn’t hold her (the baby).

I told me wife, he really needs to stay with the baby, because if his wife goes, everything about the baby will remind him of her. He went to say that he just couldn't raise her without his wife, that he wasn't capable. The doctors were able to help him realize that although he thought he hadn’t bonded with the little girl, vs. the mother who ‘had an instant bond,’ he actually was aware of 5 things about her, that not just anyone knew. And so he became aware that he was, in fact, already forming bonds.

The mother died in surgery (I think), and the father named the baby with a name that the mother would have wanted.

I hoped I didn’t butcher the story too much….

Stew 'gets' a piece of Chinese culture

When I was a kid, there were some Chinese traditions we followed, and there were some we did not.  My cousins used to do some of the traditions for the New Year (CNY), that we did not.  Namely the 'clean BEFORE the New Year,' not during or after.  This is to indicate a 'fresh start' for the New Year, for if your house is dirty on Chinese New Year, it symbolizes the entire year.  We just did chores on our weekly basis, as usual, with no special effort put into the New Year.  We did, however, have a family traditional New Year dinner that my Grandmother cooked.  And it included 'Jai,' the vegetarian dish that looked (and tasted) yucky.  Made of glass noodles, mushrooms, lotus roots, bean curd, and I don't know what else.  Something authentically 'Chinese.'

We WERE schooled in traditional respect of elders.  This is something that was never explicitly said, it was just things we were told to do.  Like serving cake portions at someone's birthday.  The kids passed out the cake to the adults.  And got them drinks (I remember always fixing my favorite aunt's coffee, 1 sugar and a little milk).  Heh, I didn't know it was for showing respect, I always thought it was because the adults were too tired (from work) or just lazy.

When I went to college, I started to associate with other Asian Americans.  Like myself - meaning more American with a hint of Asian culture (vs. the hardcore AA who is more traditional, usually speaking their cultural language at home with parents).  In particular, I recall often hanging out with these friends - Rocker, SoCal, Cool, Gangster, Skater, Country, and Loner.  We often used to go to a nearby town for late night Chinese food.  Four different cultural backgrounds, all Asian American.  

We rarely all went together, mostly it was me with some of these folks, and then again later in the week with a couple more of them.  Gangster was a few years older than the rest of us, and used to (usually jokingly) pull that 'tradition' crap on us... 'Hey dude, pour me some tea!'  And we usually did.  Since I was the 3rd oldest of all, I only poured the tea when it was just me and him.  Rocker was actually older in age than me, but younger in academic year, and he always humbled himself before me (and in doing so, provided a great model to me about humility and respect of others).  Cool probably did the most serving, not because she was female, but because she was the youngest (when Country wasn't there).  But we usually got our cup of tea filled with an exclamation of 'Fucker!' for blankly looking at her when the tea cup was empty.  

No one (of a culture other than Chinese) ever insisted that wasn't cool, or that it wasn't a tradition of their cultural background, or if they did ever try to protest, we must have brow-beat them into 'showing respect for the Chinese culture when eating in a Chinese restaurant.  I don't know if it was because the other Asian cultures bear similar traditions, or were my friends just extremely familiar with Chinese culture.  Rocker was an expert at Chinese martial arts, Country lived out in the country and the only Asian food to be had outside of his home was the Chinese restaurant, Cool dated a Chinese guy for many years, SoCal claimed 'honorary Chinese status' by practically living in our living room... so I don't know, maybe it was just college hazing of the young.

Slight diversion here to years later with my DW.  DW has a more traditional upbringing than I, she was raised by her Grandma.  As a young child, she spoke Chinese with her Grandma (I could never understand my Grandma).  Anyway, with just the two of us, for meal times, we would often serve the other.  This seemed more out of courtesy to the other, having nothing to do with Chinese culture.  It seems like 'traditional' (Asian or not) often would have the woman serving the man.  Or the Wife serving the Husband.  But hey, we're American, and living in the 21st century, man.  (plus, she's a total feminist - save that one for another post).  She's also younger than me, but she doesn't buy that one.  In her family, ALL of the cousins were scrambling around for the elders, but it was generational, there wasn't a pecking order amongst the cousins.

Anyway, back to DW and I serving each other.  Somewhere back when I was a teen, I developed this personal ideal of trying to achieve ultimate efficiency.  An example would be trying to decide EXACTLY how much mashed potatoes I would like and scooping a PERFECT heaping spoonful to dollop onto my plate.  One shot.  Bang!  And so I would do this for DW, decide how much veggies she would want to eat, one scoop, and Bang!  And rice, one large scoop, and Bang!  That's a perfect amount of rice!  But she always insisted I give her one more scoop, even if the first scoop was even MORE than she would have wanted.  My eyes would pop out a little, 'What?!'  

'Even just a little, teeny scoop, you must give me a second scoop," she would insist.  'You have to give 2 scoops; it's symbolic of 'always having enough.' Just give me a smaller first scoop, like half-a-scoop, then follow it up with another half-a-scoop.'  

'You're kidding, right?' Totally breaks my goal of being efficient, which I personally think is an Asian trait or desirable trait to show my Asian-ness.

We been together for way over ten years now, and I've learned to just comply with her now unsaid request for most of those years, no protest.  But for some reason, this last week, I really started to think about it.   I don't know if it has to do with LG in our lives, like I WANT her to always have a full bowl of food (and a second available, if she's hungry for more).  Or is it that it just took that long to immerse the concept into my brain?  All I know is that I totally get the symbolism, I WANT to do that second scoop, to show via gesture that in all of the goodness of the first scoop, don't worry, here's more.

Stew gets interviewed by Wendy

First of all, I thought it was only 1 question!!! No worries, all fair questions for a secret-blogger.

1) Where have you been?
MIA, I know. Lately I’ve been obsessed with current events. I love watching the weather channel, news channels, local news. Old fogey now for sure. On top of trying-to-be-the-best Dad to the best little girl (LG) in the whole wide world. LG is in potty-training right now, so it’s a little time consuming the way we’re doing it. We had our 1-year-home celebration , LG’s birthday party, other family celebrations and obligations, and I now do the daycare morning drop-off, so I don’t get the time to do “the Morning Stew.” And since I blog in secret, I don’t post at night!!

2) What made you decide to be a daddy-blogger in this world wide web full of mommy-bloggers?
We originally created a couple’s blog (is there actually such a thing?) during our wait, so as to keep family members and friends up-to-date on our progress. We started the blog after we after we were LID (November 2005). The blog had substance (information about the process – paperchase, DTC, LID, wait, wait some more, watch the numbers go down, longer times between referral batches, etc.), funnies (just goofy stuff we did to try to pass the time), shopping trips (to prepare for our baby), education – about adoption terminology, attachment process, etc. We took turns writing posts - about whatever was on our mind that day.

DW now maintains the family blog with LG updates, and now I secretly blog (Stew) about stuff I can’t put on the family blog. I think sharing some of my experiences and thoughts can help other adoptive parents or people close to adoptive parents. Especially if the the children are Asian. So I share. I don’t know if I have many readers, but I think putting by it out there, then at least the information can be shared / discussed.

3) What is the best advice you can give to a first time dad waiting to adopt from China?
Gee, this is a tough one. I’ve never been asked to give advice before. I think participating in your wife’s blog (since it’s mostly mommy-bloggers) is going to really help bring your two together during the wait. If you’re anything like us, she did most of the paper-chase and kept the timeline as short as possible, by making the Dr. appts., homestudy visits, CIS fingerprinting appts., etc. The clothes shopping, nursery accessories, etc., again – all her. RQ – and the CCAA updates – again , her. The blog – her.

BUT… if you a) read the blog, and b) tell her you’d like to make a guest post about something – that will really bring you two together during this patience-trying, stress-inducing time called ‘the wait.’ You think the 9-month (pregnancy) wait is tough (I don’t know because I’ve never done that wait)? Try the 8-9 month adoption wait that turned into a 20+ month wait. People you’ve seen get married, and have 1 or 2 kids, in the time you’ve been waiting?! And the questions about your adoption… are you sure you did all the paperwork right? …I know someone who’s adopting….. or … I know someone who adopted, and they didn’t wait THIS long… Sorry to say it, but NO ONE understands what you’re both going through except the rest of us! And so I blog.

4) How has becoming a father changed you as person?
Sounds corny, but becoming a father has Saved My Life. Nothing is more important (more on this below). Daily, I take time to live in the moment with LG. She is so (almost unbelievably) precious, we are constantly in awe over how we came together as a family. No words can describe this feeling. I couldn’t imagine it ANY other way. Sometimes I am late to work (I drop LG off at daycare in the morning), but it means nothing compared to the dancing to the Wiggles, or watching Choo-Choo (commuter train passing by) on the way to daycare, taking pictures of her eating oatmeal, or putting her hair in pony-tails. This is time I won’t ever get back. So I take it now. No apologies.

I am a Believer now. I’ve seen God at work. I listen to Him and look to his lessons for guidance during my time here on earth.

Probably some other ways I’ve changed too, but they seem like pretty small changes compared to those above.

What do I call this one?

I will answer Wendy’s questions later.

Let me briefly post a topic that came up for us recently. (I tried writing this a few days ago, but it got mysteriously deleted) I went to a family reunion, and saw my sister and her daughters (who live out-of-state). We took a huge picture of all of the cousins (actually, many pictures were snapped at the same time). But as we were sitting there posing for the pictures, it actually took a few minutes due to the logistics of everone’s camera and look-over-here, so-and-so isn’t smiling, say cheese, etc. I heard someone in the back say something in a fake Chinese accent – to try to be funny for the last couple of pictures. It was pretty off-color, I won’t repeat it.

However, later on when I was discussing it with my cousin’s husband (who is non-Chinese, but bi-racial), he brought up that he heard a different comment, the Ch!nk word.

Me: What?! (because I didn’t hear it).
Him: Yeah, someone in your family said it.
Me: who?
Someone else across the table: Insert name (niece-who's Dad is non-Chinese)
Me: What?!
Person across the table: yeah, she calls herself half-Ch!nk.
DW (my wife): (Insert name), don’t say that. That is REALLY offensive. You should NOT say that. EVER.
Everyone in room: quiet
Niece sulks away

Now I don’t know if the population of the majority-White state she lives in often refers to Chinese people as Ch!nks or is it a measure of her uncomfortableness in her skin, or her beginnings, or is it because she’s 14. Her mom (my sister) wasn’t there at the time, so I don’t know what she would have said or what she has told her in the past. Maybe that’s OK language in their home, I don’t know. I wonder if my niece knows about our long history in the United States, building railroads, facing discrimination, etc. Does she now live under White Priveledge?

Forum topics

Here are 3 topics I'd like to address from the Adopting from China forum (not the real name) I lurk.

1. Chinese earwax
2. What do you call grandparents in Chinese
3. Discipline in China


1. Chinese earwax – how do you remove it. First of all, yup, we have it. And it is mostly dry flakey, chunks. People on the board have been describing their success with using oil, or drops to help soften it. Mostly everyone (non-asian) recommends NEVER sticking anything in the ear canal to attempt removal. One person (Chinese, I think) describes the use of the “ear stick” that his (her?) mother used on them.

This is how we grew up, my mother would sit on the couch, with a pillow on her lap, and we would take turns laying our heads in her lap. She would carelly use our “ear cleaner” which is a very small metal spoon, curved at a slight angle, with a long (about 3-4 inches) handle. I think the method used is to gently ‘pick’ at or lift the edge, or scrape the flakes and lift them out. (I’ve never done this to another person’s ear).

When you get old enough, you can do it to your own ears (although, since I left home, I never obtained one for myself). For LG, we have done neither method – her ears are CLEAN!

2. Grandparents in Chinese – our families speak Cantonese and nearby village dialects – so this is how we do it our (DW and mine) families

Father’s father – yeh-yeh
Father’s mother – ngin-ngin
Mother’s father – gung-gung (sounds kind of like goong-goong)
Mother’s mother – po-po (sounds kind of like paw-paw)

3. Discipline in China – generally speaking, I think in china and in Chinese culture, hitting is OK (meaning allowed culturally). When I was a kid, the mean of discipline was either 1) your “da-da stick” (which I think da-da means “to hit”) – which was a feather duster, or a yard stick and you were told to go get your ‘da-da stick’ for the administration of your punishment – kind of like – “go out and cut yourself a switch,” or 2) a belt, or 3) an open hand.

I do remember seeing other kids (Chinese) at the playground with their Grandmas (ngin-ngin or po-po) who were led off of the playground by the ear. I also know that some Chinese families do a very firm pinching grasp of the arm or back of the neck.

We tried a ‘time-out” with LG (who just turned 2) by having her stay in the corner away from the toys and activities, but she thought it was a game and kept leaving the corner. So other means we have done is to remove the toy or itme from her and place it high on the mantle so she can see the ‘wanted’ item is not accessible to her when she is throwing it our otherwise misbehaving. However, this “punishment” doesn’t math the “crime” so it is difficult to use for other unacceptable behaviors – i.e. hitting, standing up on the couch, spitting, etc. We’re still working on it, and I think we both agree that we’re not implementing the ‘da-da stick.’ Yet. (We're hoping the non-physical methods will work).

1 year

Well it’s time to reflect on our 1year anniversary (which we celebrated last week). DW and I took the day off of work, and we had a leisure breakfast as a family, went to the photography studio to take a family portrait 1 year after our first (which was at the Civil Affaris office in Guangzhou, China). During the preview of the pictures, LG had a little stomach-ache, and proceeded to have diarrhea right there in the photo studio. So I hastily chose some pictures while DW cleaned up LG in the bathroom. We went home, had some lunch, LG took a nap for 3 hours (I guess she wasn’t feeling well), woke up with more diarrhea, and that killed our entire afternoon. No visit to the zoo, no swimming in the pool. Just us 3 hanging as a family, through sickness and health, just like 1 year ago at the White Swan, where the first night, LG slept between us on the rock hard mattress, and proceeded to have a blasted-poopy diaper in the middle of the night, with her butt planted VERY close to my head. I wouldn't have it any other way.

It’s been a wonderful year, and a quick one, too. My, does time fly. She’s almost 2 now, talking a little bit, in a toddler bed now, can take off her clothes and shoes by herself, starting potty training, eats with spoon and fork, and wears 24 months clothes (where a year ago, she was wearing 6 month clothes!). Happy 1 year, Baby. Daddy loves you.

Now I need to get back to backing up your video tapes from 1 year ago!

Shame on NBC's Today Show

I am disgusted by a major media displaying the use of the RickShaw font.  We all already know that 08_08_08 is special for Chinese (because you are telling us verbally at the same time this is being blasted as an image). We don't need the numbers to 'look more Chinese' by using the red color and slivery font.  

You are just a 1/2 step away from having cartoony images little Chinamen in bamboo hats running rickshaws around the date so proudly displayed in the center of the screen.

I can understand the use of Chinese music to lead into certain stories of China's landscape and culture, but truthfully, a rickshaw font of English numbers is not "Chinese."

No comment on the 'chinese' dress.