Six months

6 months since we've been back from China.  It's been a crazy time.  Time of my life.  And yet, here I am, on the couch at 2AM and I can't sleep.  I feel a little overwhelmed, as if I'm just not doing enough.  LG is so sweet, and I think pretty easy-going, as kids go, but then again, I don't have any comparison.

I was able to spend some time with her when we came home, whilst DW went back to work almost immediately.  I was the primary for a few weeks, and then DW cut back on work, so since I've gone back to work, DW has been the primary, and then LG started day care.   She's used to daycare now.   I was picking her up every day, but the last few weeks of work have been extremely busy and I haven't been able to leave on-time to pick her up.  So I think it's added a little strain on our relationship, or maybe I'm just having first-time parent guilt?  But it's been really great for DW/LG bonding - they are so mother-daughter, it's fantastic to see. 

We purposely didn't do the Primary bonding, but maybe made some extra effort for LG to bond with me, since she might have been afraid of a male, since all of the SWI  workers were women.  But we both fed her, bathed her, held her, changed her, dressed her, groomed her, held her, as 'evenly' as possible.  We take turns putting her down, and I do most of the evening activities (bath, etc.) since DW does all of the morning activities, since I leave for work before LG wakes.

Or maybe I've just been comparing our dynamics to other families?  Dunno.  

I do know that there's been some major stress for me as a Dad.  I'm afraid to be my Dad.  And I know there's been some exhibition of some of the character traits lately.  I know it's so super-common, the fear of becoming (and eventually becoming) our parents.  It's just that I've seen the relationship my Dad has with his daughter and I'm hoping to foster a better and more supportive, less-critical, more empowering and esteem-building, loving relationship with LG.  And I know the relationship I have with my Dad and hope to be a 'better' Dad than he was to me.  It's tough, I mean, he didn't have a father-figure in his life as a teen, or as a new parent, so there wasn't any role model for him to model himself after.  And it's tough for me, because I see how other Dads are, and yet I only know how my Dad was.  LG, hang in there with me, I promise to make a better effort... (and thankfully, DW is there to sometimes remind me of such a crappy job I'm doing - of trying to not be like him).

LG is growing.  Like almost in the size clothes for her age now.  She was about 6 months behind.  She can reach for things on the table, and almost open the door.  She's running and almost ready for jumping.  She climbs everything.  She feeds herself most of the time, six months ago, she had never had anything by spoon before.  Her hair is mostly even now, it was longer on 1 side than the other, I was trimming it every week during Saturday morning videos (I made a  promise to stop trimming it 3 weeks ago), and so now it's not patchy-looking and barely long enough for some small ponytails.  (which I can't put in, those hair bands are so small)

I haven't started re-reading ChinaGhosts yet.  

I don't care about the silk outfits anymore.

I don't care about the ponytails anymore.

The rickshaw font still bothers me a little bit.

But mostly I am glad the kids are being raised in loving homes.  And I read blogs out there, and I'm just amazed at the whole thing.  That we can do this.  That we do do this.  And that they (the kiddos) do this.  With us.  We should be so honored.