Happy New Year

For those who follow CNY, Happy New Year.

It's been awhile, so we'll do the bullets update.

• the economic situation has hit home, Stew is being laid off in a month.
• LG is talking ALOT. Starting to say 3 word sentences. a fave right now is "daddy, MY (insert word)
• the "my" is getting dropped from "mommy," who is now about 50% of the time being referred to as "Mom" Remember, she's not even 2 1/2 yet!
• She likes using her "chop-chop" (chopsticks) but gets frustrated after 10-15 seconds and reverts to the spoon
• Potty-training is still in progress; she can keep a dry diaper, and sometimes will tell you when she needs to pee, but when in training pants, she just pees and then tells you she pee'd.
• She started eating chicken drumsticks right off the bone.
• doesn't cry every single time she falls down anymore.
• Fell down the stairs the other night when she was running away from me (down the stairs) while I was insisting that she hold me hand. After 2 stairs somersault and 4-5 stairs of Superman slide; me throwing down the food and scrambling after her without stepping on her, I was able to hold her and comfort her a bit, and reprimand her for NOT holding my hand on her way down the stairs. She was more scared, and only suffer a small rug burn on her nose, and definitely slowed down and held my hand for the 2 flights of stairs.

That's about all I can come-up with, and that we're going to be eating Chinese food for about the next month non-stop. In the exact words out of LG's mouth - "Why?"

"Because we're Chinese."

"Why?"

"uhh...because we are."

Stew 'gets' a piece of Chinese culture

When I was a kid, there were some Chinese traditions we followed, and there were some we did not.  My cousins used to do some of the traditions for the New Year (CNY), that we did not.  Namely the 'clean BEFORE the New Year,' not during or after.  This is to indicate a 'fresh start' for the New Year, for if your house is dirty on Chinese New Year, it symbolizes the entire year.  We just did chores on our weekly basis, as usual, with no special effort put into the New Year.  We did, however, have a family traditional New Year dinner that my Grandmother cooked.  And it included 'Jai,' the vegetarian dish that looked (and tasted) yucky.  Made of glass noodles, mushrooms, lotus roots, bean curd, and I don't know what else.  Something authentically 'Chinese.'

We WERE schooled in traditional respect of elders.  This is something that was never explicitly said, it was just things we were told to do.  Like serving cake portions at someone's birthday.  The kids passed out the cake to the adults.  And got them drinks (I remember always fixing my favorite aunt's coffee, 1 sugar and a little milk).  Heh, I didn't know it was for showing respect, I always thought it was because the adults were too tired (from work) or just lazy.

When I went to college, I started to associate with other Asian Americans.  Like myself - meaning more American with a hint of Asian culture (vs. the hardcore AA who is more traditional, usually speaking their cultural language at home with parents).  In particular, I recall often hanging out with these friends - Rocker, SoCal, Cool, Gangster, Skater, Country, and Loner.  We often used to go to a nearby town for late night Chinese food.  Four different cultural backgrounds, all Asian American.  

We rarely all went together, mostly it was me with some of these folks, and then again later in the week with a couple more of them.  Gangster was a few years older than the rest of us, and used to (usually jokingly) pull that 'tradition' crap on us... 'Hey dude, pour me some tea!'  And we usually did.  Since I was the 3rd oldest of all, I only poured the tea when it was just me and him.  Rocker was actually older in age than me, but younger in academic year, and he always humbled himself before me (and in doing so, provided a great model to me about humility and respect of others).  Cool probably did the most serving, not because she was female, but because she was the youngest (when Country wasn't there).  But we usually got our cup of tea filled with an exclamation of 'Fucker!' for blankly looking at her when the tea cup was empty.  

No one (of a culture other than Chinese) ever insisted that wasn't cool, or that it wasn't a tradition of their cultural background, or if they did ever try to protest, we must have brow-beat them into 'showing respect for the Chinese culture when eating in a Chinese restaurant.  I don't know if it was because the other Asian cultures bear similar traditions, or were my friends just extremely familiar with Chinese culture.  Rocker was an expert at Chinese martial arts, Country lived out in the country and the only Asian food to be had outside of his home was the Chinese restaurant, Cool dated a Chinese guy for many years, SoCal claimed 'honorary Chinese status' by practically living in our living room... so I don't know, maybe it was just college hazing of the young.

Slight diversion here to years later with my DW.  DW has a more traditional upbringing than I, she was raised by her Grandma.  As a young child, she spoke Chinese with her Grandma (I could never understand my Grandma).  Anyway, with just the two of us, for meal times, we would often serve the other.  This seemed more out of courtesy to the other, having nothing to do with Chinese culture.  It seems like 'traditional' (Asian or not) often would have the woman serving the man.  Or the Wife serving the Husband.  But hey, we're American, and living in the 21st century, man.  (plus, she's a total feminist - save that one for another post).  She's also younger than me, but she doesn't buy that one.  In her family, ALL of the cousins were scrambling around for the elders, but it was generational, there wasn't a pecking order amongst the cousins.

Anyway, back to DW and I serving each other.  Somewhere back when I was a teen, I developed this personal ideal of trying to achieve ultimate efficiency.  An example would be trying to decide EXACTLY how much mashed potatoes I would like and scooping a PERFECT heaping spoonful to dollop onto my plate.  One shot.  Bang!  And so I would do this for DW, decide how much veggies she would want to eat, one scoop, and Bang!  And rice, one large scoop, and Bang!  That's a perfect amount of rice!  But she always insisted I give her one more scoop, even if the first scoop was even MORE than she would have wanted.  My eyes would pop out a little, 'What?!'  

'Even just a little, teeny scoop, you must give me a second scoop," she would insist.  'You have to give 2 scoops; it's symbolic of 'always having enough.' Just give me a smaller first scoop, like half-a-scoop, then follow it up with another half-a-scoop.'  

'You're kidding, right?' Totally breaks my goal of being efficient, which I personally think is an Asian trait or desirable trait to show my Asian-ness.

We been together for way over ten years now, and I've learned to just comply with her now unsaid request for most of those years, no protest.  But for some reason, this last week, I really started to think about it.   I don't know if it has to do with LG in our lives, like I WANT her to always have a full bowl of food (and a second available, if she's hungry for more).  Or is it that it just took that long to immerse the concept into my brain?  All I know is that I totally get the symbolism, I WANT to do that second scoop, to show via gesture that in all of the goodness of the first scoop, don't worry, here's more.

What do I call this one?

I will answer Wendy’s questions later.

Let me briefly post a topic that came up for us recently. (I tried writing this a few days ago, but it got mysteriously deleted) I went to a family reunion, and saw my sister and her daughters (who live out-of-state). We took a huge picture of all of the cousins (actually, many pictures were snapped at the same time). But as we were sitting there posing for the pictures, it actually took a few minutes due to the logistics of everone’s camera and look-over-here, so-and-so isn’t smiling, say cheese, etc. I heard someone in the back say something in a fake Chinese accent – to try to be funny for the last couple of pictures. It was pretty off-color, I won’t repeat it.

However, later on when I was discussing it with my cousin’s husband (who is non-Chinese, but bi-racial), he brought up that he heard a different comment, the Ch!nk word.

Me: What?! (because I didn’t hear it).
Him: Yeah, someone in your family said it.
Me: who?
Someone else across the table: Insert name (niece-who's Dad is non-Chinese)
Me: What?!
Person across the table: yeah, she calls herself half-Ch!nk.
DW (my wife): (Insert name), don’t say that. That is REALLY offensive. You should NOT say that. EVER.
Everyone in room: quiet
Niece sulks away

Now I don’t know if the population of the majority-White state she lives in often refers to Chinese people as Ch!nks or is it a measure of her uncomfortableness in her skin, or her beginnings, or is it because she’s 14. Her mom (my sister) wasn’t there at the time, so I don’t know what she would have said or what she has told her in the past. Maybe that’s OK language in their home, I don’t know. I wonder if my niece knows about our long history in the United States, building railroads, facing discrimination, etc. Does she now live under White Priveledge?

Forum topics

Here are 3 topics I'd like to address from the Adopting from China forum (not the real name) I lurk.

1. Chinese earwax
2. What do you call grandparents in Chinese
3. Discipline in China


1. Chinese earwax – how do you remove it. First of all, yup, we have it. And it is mostly dry flakey, chunks. People on the board have been describing their success with using oil, or drops to help soften it. Mostly everyone (non-asian) recommends NEVER sticking anything in the ear canal to attempt removal. One person (Chinese, I think) describes the use of the “ear stick” that his (her?) mother used on them.

This is how we grew up, my mother would sit on the couch, with a pillow on her lap, and we would take turns laying our heads in her lap. She would carelly use our “ear cleaner” which is a very small metal spoon, curved at a slight angle, with a long (about 3-4 inches) handle. I think the method used is to gently ‘pick’ at or lift the edge, or scrape the flakes and lift them out. (I’ve never done this to another person’s ear).

When you get old enough, you can do it to your own ears (although, since I left home, I never obtained one for myself). For LG, we have done neither method – her ears are CLEAN!

2. Grandparents in Chinese – our families speak Cantonese and nearby village dialects – so this is how we do it our (DW and mine) families

Father’s father – yeh-yeh
Father’s mother – ngin-ngin
Mother’s father – gung-gung (sounds kind of like goong-goong)
Mother’s mother – po-po (sounds kind of like paw-paw)

3. Discipline in China – generally speaking, I think in china and in Chinese culture, hitting is OK (meaning allowed culturally). When I was a kid, the mean of discipline was either 1) your “da-da stick” (which I think da-da means “to hit”) – which was a feather duster, or a yard stick and you were told to go get your ‘da-da stick’ for the administration of your punishment – kind of like – “go out and cut yourself a switch,” or 2) a belt, or 3) an open hand.

I do remember seeing other kids (Chinese) at the playground with their Grandmas (ngin-ngin or po-po) who were led off of the playground by the ear. I also know that some Chinese families do a very firm pinching grasp of the arm or back of the neck.

We tried a ‘time-out” with LG (who just turned 2) by having her stay in the corner away from the toys and activities, but she thought it was a game and kept leaving the corner. So other means we have done is to remove the toy or itme from her and place it high on the mantle so she can see the ‘wanted’ item is not accessible to her when she is throwing it our otherwise misbehaving. However, this “punishment” doesn’t math the “crime” so it is difficult to use for other unacceptable behaviors – i.e. hitting, standing up on the couch, spitting, etc. We’re still working on it, and I think we both agree that we’re not implementing the ‘da-da stick.’ Yet. (We're hoping the non-physical methods will work).

Bullets

for all the topics meant for discussion:

• "lucky"
• bamboo font or "Chinese-sliver" (that's what I'm calling it until I find out what it's called) font
• China Ghosts
• Relative Choices
• moi-moi (mei-mei)
• FCC
• teaching Chinese culture