We WERE schooled in traditional respect of elders. This is something that was never explicitly said, it was just things we were told to do. Like serving cake portions at someone's birthday. The kids passed out the cake to the adults. And got them drinks (I remember always fixing my favorite aunt's coffee, 1 sugar and a little milk). Heh, I didn't know it was for showing respect, I always thought it was because the adults were too tired (from work) or just lazy.
When I went to college, I started to associate with other Asian Americans. Like myself - meaning more American with a hint of Asian culture (vs. the hardcore AA who is more traditional, usually speaking their cultural language at home with parents). In particular, I recall often hanging out with these friends - Rocker, SoCal, Cool, Gangster, Skater, Country, and Loner. We often used to go to a nearby town for late night Chinese food. Four different cultural backgrounds, all Asian American.
We rarely all went together, mostly it was me with some of these folks, and then again later in the week with a couple more of them. Gangster was a few years older than the rest of us, and used to (usually jokingly) pull that 'tradition' crap on us... 'Hey dude, pour me some tea!' And we usually did. Since I was the 3rd oldest of all, I only poured the tea when it was just me and him. Rocker was actually older in age than me, but younger in academic year, and he always humbled himself before me (and in doing so, provided a great model to me about humility and respect of others). Cool probably did the most serving, not because she was female, but because she was the youngest (when Country wasn't there). But we usually got our cup of tea filled with an exclamation of 'Fucker!' for blankly looking at her when the tea cup was empty.
No one (of a culture other than Chinese) ever insisted that wasn't cool, or that it wasn't a tradition of their cultural background, or if they did ever try to protest, we must have brow-beat them into 'showing respect for the Chinese culture when eating in a Chinese restaurant. I don't know if it was because the other Asian cultures bear similar traditions, or were my friends just extremely familiar with Chinese culture. Rocker was an expert at Chinese martial arts, Country lived out in the country and the only Asian food to be had outside of his home was the Chinese restaurant, Cool dated a Chinese guy for many years, SoCal claimed 'honorary Chinese status' by practically living in our living room... so I don't know, maybe it was just college hazing of the young.
Slight diversion here to years later with my DW. DW has a more traditional upbringing than I, she was raised by her Grandma. As a young child, she spoke Chinese with her Grandma (I could never understand my Grandma). Anyway, with just the two of us, for meal times, we would often serve the other. This seemed more out of courtesy to the other, having nothing to do with Chinese culture. It seems like 'traditional' (Asian or not) often would have the woman serving the man. Or the Wife serving the Husband. But hey, we're American, and living in the 21st century, man. (plus, she's a total feminist - save that one for another post). She's also younger than me, but she doesn't buy that one. In her family, ALL of the cousins were scrambling around for the elders, but it was generational, there wasn't a pecking order amongst the cousins.
Anyway, back to DW and I serving each other. Somewhere back when I was a teen, I developed this personal ideal of trying to achieve ultimate efficiency. An example would be trying to decide EXACTLY how much mashed potatoes I would like and scooping a PERFECT heaping spoonful to dollop onto my plate. One shot. Bang! And so I would do this for DW, decide how much veggies she would want to eat, one scoop, and Bang! And rice, one large scoop, and Bang! That's a perfect amount of rice! But she always insisted I give her one more scoop, even if the first scoop was even MORE than she would have wanted. My eyes would pop out a little, 'What?!'
'Even just a little, teeny scoop, you must give me a second scoop," she would insist. 'You have to give 2 scoops; it's symbolic of 'always having enough.' Just give me a smaller first scoop, like half-a-scoop, then follow it up with another half-a-scoop.'
'You're kidding, right?' Totally breaks my goal of being efficient, which I personally think is an Asian trait or desirable trait to show my Asian-ness.
We been together for way over ten years now, and I've learned to just comply with her now unsaid request for most of those years, no protest. But for some reason, this last week, I really started to think about it. I don't know if it has to do with LG in our lives, like I WANT her to always have a full bowl of food (and a second available, if she's hungry for more). Or is it that it just took that long to immerse the concept into my brain? All I know is that I totally get the symbolism, I WANT to do that second scoop, to show via gesture that in all of the goodness of the first scoop, don't worry, here's more.
