On attachment and regression

So I'm talking with someone at work who was relating a story about her daughter (who is 4 yrs old).  Her daughter was being demanding and insistent that the parents help her brush her teeth, get dressed, etc.  She was told that she was 'a big girl now' and theat she needed to do these things by herself.  It escalated into an argument over 'who was boss of whom' and ultimately there was a time-out issued in the bedroom with a removal of all of the girl's possessions.

Another person asked, "Do you think it's because she missed you during your vacation last week?" (she went on a week-long vacation sans child)  The answer was something like, "No, she was with my mom, who she already spends overnights with and my mom watches her 2 days a week anyway.  She was just being difficult."  

Could be.  Hard to tell.  I don't have a 4-year old.  We weren't there.  We don't know the family dynamics.  But as part of a family who has spent time learning first-hand about attachment strategies*, what I heard was a regression strategy to foster re-attachment to affirm to the girl that her mom is going to take care of her.  Not conscious, but to me, expressed Loud and Clear. 

*As a back-up to this, I have seen this in my sister's family, where her children at age 6 and 4, when left at our parents' house for a few hours, would constantly ask us if their Mom and Dad were coming back to get them.  And when they did (come back for them), they would insist on being carried, and snuggle on the couch, and in general, show some regression behaviors - which to me means, "I need a way to reconnect with you."

I hope it will be so clear to me what my child's needs are as she grows older.

Bullets

for all the topics meant for discussion:

• "lucky"
• bamboo font or "Chinese-sliver" (that's what I'm calling it until I find out what it's called) font
• China Ghosts
• Relative Choices
• moi-moi (mei-mei)
• FCC
• teaching Chinese culture

It's all in the Details

The details – why does everyone want to know the details? This is a general question, to which I’ll say – I guess they are nosey or gossip-y. The details don’t really matter. Like when you hear that so-and-so doesn’t work for the company anymore. “Why? Was (s)he fired?” “Where did (s)he go?”

How about “So-and-so is adopting…:” “Why?" "Can't have kids?" Etc. etc.

Is (s)he adopted? Where is (s)he from?

“(S)He is adopted from China…” “Do you know the birth parents?” “Was (s)he was abandoned?” Etc. Etc.

Where? What’s was her name? What are you naming her? Why? How long have you had her? How is it going? (meaning what dramatic attachment stories can you tell me)

For many of us adoptive parents, the details are private. Why. When. Where. How. I’m talking about OUR details. So if you think I’m protective or private about my details, you can expect that I’m private about my daughter’s story. Which in the IA blogging world, costs you credibility. Unfortunate, but true. I wish I could be as open and honest as so many are. I wish I felt comfortable posting pics of my family. I wish I was able to be comfortable sharing. I’m just not. But it is so hard to try to blog about something, and not give any details. I am going to try to share enough, but also to retain the specifics for anonynimity’s sake.

Why anon blogging? Because when it comes to sharing our journey, there many things we go through that only other IA parents can relate to. And those we know who might be putting us through the wringer as they also go through their own journey as an outside insider (i.e. our parents, siblings, coworkers) get their feelings hurt when we discuss how we deal with them. So we can't really blog about our 'process' or the 'journey (emotional growth)' of adopting on our 'Family Blog.' Sucks but that's the way it is. One of the Not-So-Rosy parts. and even if I was open about who I am, the readers, well, a reader might actually know someone in my family or at my work, etc. And you know where that's going....

So in reference to China Ghosts, I applaud Jeff for sharing his story and his daughter’s story. And also all of the others in the blogosphere who do the same. It really helps many of us feel ‘normal.’ And at the same time, I cringe and shudder at the loss of privacy for our kids. They don’t know it now, but they will pay a price when they get older. I hope that our families and friends will be sensitive with whatever information they do have when our kids get older.

BTW, I'll be posting more about China ghosts later (as soon as I tear it from my wife's hands!)

China Ghosts

I started reading this last night.  Got almost halfway.  I'll post about it when I'm done, but I will say right now, I had a few tears so far.  It's touching how open Jeff is and his story parallels mine right now.  So far, looks like a must read for all China Dads.

What do I do for fun?

So I'm going into the building at work, and passing by the Ducati monster parked outside.  Today I notice the scratches on the muffler.  Huh?  I stop, go back a few steps.  Dang, the brake pedal is bent, too.  I hope the guy's OK.  I sort of miss my bike and my free-wheeling days when I used to ride (sold my bike years ago, even before we were 'planning' for kids).  But then again, there's lots of things I used to do (and sort of miss doing) that I would gladly give up to allocate resources and time for L.G

It's much easier to feel that way now that we actually have her, although I gave up a lot to complete our application process.  This means time that I might have allocated to 'me time' was dedicated to working extra hours.  Of course, in the past, extra hours and extra pay meant a little more spending cash.  Well, it's still spending cash, only for things like re-fingerprinting and renewing the I-171.  But now that we're home, it's a toss up between working less hours for more bonding time versus trying to make more money to offset the extra costs of having a child.  i.e. try to cushion the savings again or even try to cover the cost of daycare.

It would be nice to ride again.  But even if I had a free (or paid for) bike, there's still the cost of insurance (even at $50/month - there's so much more I could do with that for LG) and the impractical aspect - What if I have to go pick her up from daycare?  Then I'd have to go home, switch vehicles, etc.  And then - how would having a bike help with bonding time?  Not very helpful if I go out on a ride all-day Saturday.... So, no more bike (at least for about 5 years).

I enjoyed trips to the snow country.  Go ride the slopes.  Now at $70 per lift ticket, that makes it a $120-150 day (including gas and cheap food).  If I make a day-trip.  Except the thing is, I'm starting to feel it now, and the 4-hr up, ride all day (or even 1/2 day for $60), and 4-hr drive back would just kill me now.  So if we (my buddy who is also a new dad) stay at a dump for $120 (we're still young enough and now we're broke enough to split the cost of a room with 2 beds), we're still looking at  $200-250 (again with cheap food) for the weekend.  What?! Now we can get away and ride the slope (sans young children) for a weekend?! I don't think so, dude.  And again, you know what I can do for L.G with $200?  Dang, I used to go up to the slopes almost every weekend!  Youth.  Wasted on the young.

Then there's the broken Jet Ski.  I don't want to spend the $200 needed to repair the engine.  Again, you know what I could do with $200 (for L.G)?  And even if it was in good working order, there's the launch fees and gas costs (about $30-40/day?).  And these days, who wants to use up their gas going around in circles on a lake?  Not me.  Unless L.G can go, too.  Since she's under 2, I don't think she'll be going anytime soon.  

So for now, we'll stick with trips to the grocery store, park, coffee house (for Daddy, not L.G - although L.G can have her warm M-I-L-K there), babies-rus, and the ever so popular Tarjay.  Practically free (since we'd go to these places pre-L.G anyway) and enhances our bonding time, too.  Even better is watching Baby Einstein together. Totally free and yet, priceless.

Why China

When we decided to adopt, China seemed like an obvious choice.  We know other families who have adopted from China, and 1 family in particular chose to share their experience with us.  They referred us to their Agency, and we went to an orientation about a month later.

The China Adoption program has a pretty long history, and has a reputation for healthy kids.  This was a deciding factor.  It was about a year-long process, which seemed like a "fair" amount of time.  Another factor was that it is not an Open Adoption. Another factor is that by adopting from China, we hope to be able to provide a very good sense of cultural identity, as our families are from China, too.

It was never our intention to adopt from China to "fly under the radar."  I know it happens (flying under the radar) and I know that some adoptions with similar ethnic backgrounds are intended to fly under the radar, even to the point of not telling the child.  Some cultures even do this within a family, when a unmarried girl (or young woman) finds herself pregnant, an older family member (maybe the the girl's mother and an aunt) will adopt or raise the child as theirs.  So even though we had some strong predictions that the child (probably a girl) would "look like us," we always knew we would be open (with her) about her history.

But we do (fly under the radar).  We've been a family for a few months now, and even with our family members, some are "forgetting" the adoption.  They forget that we didn't birth the Little Girl.  They forget that we didn't have breast milk for her, that we didn't do night feedings, that we skipped straight from formula only to formula and table food (she was already a year old with teeth), that she didn't inherit our genetic material.  The conversations that imply the forgetting aren't painful, though; so I guess it just means that as a family, we interact as if we've been together forever.  

It definitely feels that way.  

about Fatherhood

I seem to be spending a lot of time these days thinking about adoption. What does it mean to participate in an adoption? When a person decides to be an adoptive parent, there’s a lot of ‘stuff’ that comes with. It is usually not a decision made lightly, and many choose the path based on different circumstances. Many people relate adoption to pregnancy. The outward appearance is the same. I think the only similar aspect is that at the end of it, a child and parents (or a parent) come together as a family.

Starts with the pregnancy test, then the confirmed pregnancy test, then over the next 8 months, the first ultrasound, the first audible heartbeat, the first kicks, the labor, the breaking of the water, the delivery, the night feedings….

I know it’s always quite so simple. There is often a ‘journey to getting pregnant’ - (which is another post altogether).

I can talk about the initial paperwork, the social worker visits (homestudies), the fingerprinting, the physical exams, making all the copies, getting everything notarized, the excitement of doing the ‘paperchase’ and getting started, telling people the news – anticipating getting DTC and the next important milestone, the LID. And waiting for 9 months until referral. Wow, sounds like a pregnancy? Just the 9 months part. Nothing (except for hair pulling, depression, shopping therapy)happens during the Wait; no prenatal appts, no sonograms, etc. and then as each month goes by, you actually begin to see that as month 1 went by, the wait went up to 11 months, etc etc, until a year has gone by and the Adopting from China community is telling you that you expected time for referral (imagine this as your first sonogram) isn’t going to happen until about 20 months after your LID (which is similar to your confirmed pregnancy test).

Hmm, so it’s not really similar at all? The process and emotional journey (I can only assume – since I have only experienced becoming a parent one way) are completely different.

But the end result; I am a father to a beautiful girl. So does anything else matter?