I600A

Spoke with Agency. I-600A was completed Friday. And overnighted to CIS.

Menu items:

Wed:
L: ??
D: CreamofMushroom chicken

Thurs:
L: Tri-tip sandwich
D: Pork curry ramen, Agedashi tofu

Fri:
L: ??
D: leftover CreamofMushroom Chicken

Sat:
L: Beef CupoNoodles
D: Lumpia, teriyaki chicken, mini cheesecakes

Sun:
B: mini-cheesecake
L: leftover teriyaki chicken, lumpia, cold sesame noodle
D: Lamb chops, broccoli, mashed potatoes

Get A Life

I have a relative who has a soft spot in her heart for animals. Especially rescue animals. She has had animals for as long as I’ve known her, all from the shelter. She also seems to have taken a special interest in our dear LG. To the extent that I heard she has gone shopping for LG (whereas she had not done so for the other kids in the family – but I don’t believe this last part).

Another relative, upon hearing of this shopping interest, sort of made a comment to the extent of that she (the soft-hearted one) needed to get her own life. And it was bothersome to me, because maybe that IS her life. That is, having a soft spot in one’s heart for the innocents (abandoned, abused, or neglected) is not a bad thing to have. It’s called feelings.

Get a Life.



BTW, this food menu thing is a total drag to keep track of. So far, I’ve identified that I live on a) coffee, b) Asian food, and c) leftovers

Sunday Dinner: fried chicken, mac salad, cookies
Mon
B: coffee, almond croissant
L: leftover something or other
D: Chinese: fish claypot, cashew chicken, rice

Tues:
B: coffee, thin mint cookies
L: Tai Nam Gan (Vietnamese pho) and Cafe Sua Da (Vietnamese Iced coffee)
D: clam linguine (planned)

Food week 3

Mon

B: coffee

L: Duck fried rice

D: chicken/mozzarella ravioli with steamed broccoli

Tues

B: Coffee

L: Fried egg and ham sandwich with gruyere cheese

D: Corned beef, cabbage, potatos, rice

Wed

B: coffee

L: 2 crisyp tacos, chicken sandwich

D: black bean sauce fish over rice/ tomato beef chow mein

Thurs:

B: coffee

L: combination pizza, 2 slices, chocolate chip cookie. mountain dew

D: General Tso's chicken, zucchini, rice

Fri

B: almond croissant, coffee

L: veggie pizza, leftover Tomato Beef Chow mein

D: leftover corned beef, cabbage, and rice

Sat:

B: granola

L: Banana bread

D: chicken enchilda, chicken tostada, rice, beans, guacamole, chips

Sun:  

B: granola, yogurt, coffee

L: chili rice

D: TBD

What did you do during The Wait? (Long)

So I was reading a new family's blog updates while in China, and bestowing a bit of advice about the new bedtime ritual.  And as many new parents do, as we did, and other new A-parents do, they held her, rocked her, walked with her, talked softly to her, while she screamed bloody murder.  Arms and backs aching, the post generated some interest and I felt complied to respond.  Because we had the SAME experience.  I was somewhat more successful with getting our LG to calm down and start self-soothing that DW was.  I used a "hippy-dippy" energetic technique, after a short "holding" (somewhat firm, which resulted a physical struggle and some amount of elevated stress, until LG was not-so-subtly coerced into resignation) which helped then helped her 'get the idea' that I was there to help her get calm and provide comfort for her.  DW tried the 'hold firm' technique with a squirmy, frothy, spitting, crying bundle of 'joy,'  which resulted in two very upset females in our family. Henceforth, I did the 'putting-down' at night during the rest of our trip in China.  We were already focused on splitting the bonding time, with a slight edge towards me, since DW had feared the LG would not have anything to do with me (as sometimes happens to the new Dads).

Anyway, I digress.  We winged it.  The whole time.  And when we got back, too.  But know that our strategy was changing daily, if not by the hour.  Mostly it was about tuning into LGs needs versus what strategies we read about, were told about (by other A-parents, other parents, our parents, the SW, the adoption agency), and thoguht we had a handle about.  We went to a Social Worker class about forming bonds and attachment.  We read some blogs.  We talked to other A-parents, already home.  We talked with other parents (with bio kids).  DW read a little of Choo (you know what I mean).  I didn't.  We were anxious and had no idea of the little child to enter our lives, who would she be, how would she be, etc.  So the day we left for our trip, DW dug out a handout from our Social Worker talk to bring with us to read (since it had been over 2 years since we went to that class).  We read it the day before our Gotcha day.  I remember reading it 2 years ago, and much of it was already ingrained as strategies for me.  DW was somewhat overwhelmed, as it seemed like new info for her.

Anyway, we tried some of the strategies with LG.  We used a babycarrier that was face-to-face.  We carried her almost all the time, except in the room, we let her play on the bed or floor, she sat in a high chair during meals, she hated the crib and let her eyes well up with big ol' tears (trickster), so we let her sleep in the bed with us.  A big no-no in our families, but we re-iterated (to ourselves) that is helps bonding by giving the continual touch and smells and sounds and heartbeat/breathing rate that she will come to know - as prescribed by the bonding handout (a photocopy of a a book).   But the book also said to give milk face-to-face to force eye contact - she wasn't interested in eye contact during her 'mommy' (milk bottle).  We tried holding her and rocking her; think a child who has never been rocked to sleep with just FALL ASLEEP (in a 'stranger's arms?!  nope.  So we got creative, and eventually found a way that worked (for a bit, you see, because as she grows older, she changes, and her needs change, and so should we) for awhile.  That is, to let her try to go down the way they used to do it at the orphanage, give her a bottle of warm milk in the crib, and let her 'mommy' (milk bottle) put her down.  The sucking and warmth and full belly was soothing and worked like a charm.  And was WAY less stressful to LG.  We worked on more bonding activities during the waking hours.  And so we put her down like this for months.  And we still do for nap-time.  But for bed time, we've recently switched to holding her in a rocker with a milk sippy, let her drink, then rock her a bit with some lullabies in the background until she starts to doze.  

So anyway, I dropped a little comment to this new mom that the approach they were using (I'm sure it was a recommended approach, especially for bonding) might actually be putting MORE stress on their little girl, than was necessary.  Based on my own personal experience. Others piped in with some other tips as well.  And so she tried something new, which seemed to be better for all.  I'm sure it helped having a few days under their belts as a family, also.  But then I got to thinking.  I had popped in on her blog before China, during The Wait.  And I know the adoption was on her mind.  And I know that she read other blogs.  And I know that we did the same thing.  And yet, we both tried the same approach with the putting-down-to-sleep.  With eventual, but highly stressful, success.  And a couple of us commenting noticed we were re-living our experience through her blog.  And others (Waiting Others) are living vicariously until their turn.

So I got to wondering, what were WE doing during our wait.  Were we reading the right stuff to get us prepared?  Should we have read the 'other' handout, the one that said follow the orphanage schedule?  Would that have mattered?  We did receive an orphanage schedule, but it was in Chinese.  Our guide could have translated it, but it had the times and volume in mL, so I figured 4 of the 5 times were for formula and the mid afternoon time (12:00-2:00) was for a nap.  The schedule didn't mean anything in the moment, because that was what they GAVE her (and the rest of the kids in the room).  That didn't mean that she was full with the 150mL at 10:00AM or that she 'fell right asleep' at 8:00PM.  This was the schedule and volumes that ALL of the kids got (I assume).  And with the formula at the orphanage, which was NOT the formula we brought from home.  Mixed with my own amounts of rice cereal added, based on what I read on the rumor board forum.  Because based on what I experienced, none of it was at all accurate for LG at the age we were brought together.  Then again, she may have been in a 'survival' mode, that as long as she cried for milk, and it was brought, she quickly learned that her cries could (and would) be met.

So did any other A-parents read THIS little 'tip' anywhere?  That is, maybe just let the kids go down with the bottle, the 'mommy,' despite what the American Ped. or the ped. dentists recommend?  Since it has been their 'mommy' for months, and everything else familiar to them has been ripped away (in the most primal sense, they don't know who the heck we are or what plans we have for them), never to be seen, heard, smelled, or touched again?  That this will actually ease and support their transition into our willing and ready arms?  Rather than have some stranger holding them close, jamming our faces in theirs, pressing our lips to their faces, lips, hands, feet; things that probably have never happened to them before (Chinese show their affection to children differently, not this way).  This should be written somewhere for all PAPs who are Waiting.  

I'm not complaining, as I'm glad to have gotten there period.  But I wish that THIS, I had read somewhere.  During our Wait.  So that brings me to the title - the question is for me, what the heck did you do during The Wait?

food summary week2

Monday

Breakfast: Twix, coffee
Lunch: (Indian) Curry Chicken with Naan, coffee
Dinner: braised chicken thigh, string beans, jasmine rice

Tuesday

B: almond croissant, banana, coffee

L: leftover Chinese Beef Stew, rice

D: Chicken gin mein (crispy noodles, HK style), gai lan with oyster sauce

Wednesday:

B: 2 fig newmans, coffee

L: 2 crispy tacos and a chicken sandwich

D: ground beef stew, jasmine rice

Thursday

B: Almond croissant, coffee

L:  leftover ground beef stew

D: beef and sausage lasagna

Friday

B:  Banana cake, coffee

L:  No lunch - had to work straight through

D:  leftover ground beef stew

Saturday

B:  granola yogurt

L: leftover chicken gin mein

D: baked chicken, corn, rice, ice cream

Sunday

B:  granola/yogurt and a donut

L:  curry chicken catsu

D:  Thai basil chicken, yao choy, jasmine rice, ice cream

little Carbon footprints

Standing around work yesterday, talking about cars. I happen to love cars and driving. One co-worker, who likes to promote being Green (drives a Prius, often rides a bicycles to work, is into re-use and recycling) and is expecting child #2, made a suggestion that I get rid of a car. Implying that by having that vehicle, I am making a huge carbon footprint and ultimately causing the destruction of the world.

To which I wanted to reply, "if you're so green, stop adding to the population of the world. Your 2 additional sets of footprints on this world will contribute more overall pollution and consumption than the part-time use of a 2nd vehicle."

Hmmm, who is standing on a taller soapbox?

BTW, I am going to do the food menu items on a weekly basis now. This week is in draft until I complete Sunday's dinner.

Monday

Breakfast: Twix, coffee

Lunch: (Indian) Curry Chicken with Naan, coffee

Dinner:  braised chicken thigh, string beans, jasmine rice

About adoption... is it for the parents or for the child?

I think it's for both.  A win-win.  We feel bad for the birth parents - a loss for them.  LG is such a joy (99.99999% of the time*), someone is missing out.  But it wasn't my choice, it's life.  And life is good.  

* the other 0.00001% of the time, I think it's been something we've done, like skip a Milk or a Nap or something!

Tense.  It's tense over here.  DW is stressed about work.  If it's so shitty - then quit already.  

sunday

Breakfast: leftover Chinese chicken/tofu with rice (it was supposed to be LG's breakfast, but she decided to pass and opt for Cream of Wheat with bananas instead), coffee

Lunch - Rotissierie chicken made into chicken salad by DW on Pugliese bread

Dinner - Delicious fish and steak tacos; beer

What's in a National identity

I was reading over at Changes about democracy and our democracy vs. China's democracy.  And I left a comment about how China considers itself a democracy. A one-party democracy. Consisting of the Communist Party.  And Tim responded.  And much of it was over my head, I admit.  I am not much of a politics person.  And very much not much of an international politics person, either.

Our trip six months ago to China for our LG was admittedly, my first trip outside of the United States, if you don't count the one day in Victoria, BC.  So my comments about China are as ignorant as many other Americans.  I always thought China was a 'Communist' country, akin to the Cold War.  And I was told lots of things about China by my DW's family, who had been 'back' to China several times.  In my own family, no one on my Mom's side (4 generations American) had ever been back to China.  On my Dad's side (1 generation American) only my Grandmother had gone back (after 30 years living in the US and naturalized citizen) and 1 aunt, who went for work purposes in the 70s and she went to Beijing and learned some Mandarin).

Sidenote, as a Chinese-American visitor to China, there are several things to be aware of:

1) pickpockets

2) passport/identity theft

  meaning if your passport/identity is stolen, it may be more difficult to 'prove' to authorities that you actually ARE american, and thus can 'leave' China

3) judgement for not speaking the language etc.

Back to the 'Communist' China.  I did think it was a totally 1 government, total control.  Although I was aware of the capitalization that has been infiltrating China, I wasn't sure how much and I thought that it was perhaps only in the major cities like Hong Kong, Shanghai, Beijing, Guangzhou.  And still I was perplexed as to how someone would get a job at St@buck's Shamien Island (if the entire country was government controlled).  And why some children in the SWIs are there because the birth families might not be able to afford the medical attention the child needed (if the government was controlling all).  

So it is without a doubt much more complex, and yet much more simple, than I ever gave much thought.  I do find it to be much more interesting, now that my family has grown due to the cultural and political policies of China.  But up until recently, China has not had much interest to me (or even the generations before me), because we have always felt that we were American.  Not 'from China.'  Well, actually, it's the truth.  We are. American.  We are.  Not from China.

to be continued...

Food Log

I'm going to do a daily food log; after Chinese New Year and the amount of Chinese Food consumed, I was wondering how much Chinese food we do we actually eat, and what kind.  So I'm going to keep a log, just to see what patterns emerge, i.e. what do I eat at work, how much junk food, etc.

Friday:  

Breakfast: Coffee

Lunch: Fried Egg and Ham sandwich with pesto and Gruyere cheese, coffee

Dinner: Big Mac, french fries, Coke

Saturday:

Breakfast : Coffee, Cream of Wheat

Lunch: Chicken burrito 

Dinner (planned): Rotisserie Chicken and Rice

Car Blending

So I’m driving to work this morning in my Honda-made car with 239,233 miles and I’m thinking about the cars we drive.

More specifically, the Honda/Acura cars that many AsianAmericans drive*. All ages, Chinese, Japanese, teens, DINKs, Moms, Dads, Grandaparents. Civic, Accord, Prelude, CRV, Pilot, MDX, integra, TL, RSX, TSX, Odyssey. Champagne, Grey, or silver color. (* and of course the Toyota counterparts, Camry, Corolla, Sienna, RAV4, 4runner)

Good vehicles. Last forever, smooth, comfortable fit, conservative.

What? Conservative. Basically matching the ‘Asian” stereotype. Quiet, unassuming. Nothing too loud or attention-grabbing. Not a lot of us drive Corvettes, or Camaros, or Dodge Ram Cummins Diesel. Sure, there’s a few who drive WRX or eclipse Turbo, or BMW, but genereally, we like to just sort of ‘blend.’

Hairstyles: usually the straight hair, parted on the side. Sure there’s some who do the Spiky Hair Gel look, or the occasional coloring.

Clothing Attire: men- button down shirts, and Khaki pants. Or Black. Basic black. Looks good with Asian skin and hair color.

Music- nothing too loud or obnoxious.

I imagine in Asia, where there are A LOT of people, the masses of people, whether in an open shopping area, or a business district, everyone just sort of ‘blends in’. So why wouldn’t we blend-in (in our cars)?

Six months

6 months since we've been back from China.  It's been a crazy time.  Time of my life.  And yet, here I am, on the couch at 2AM and I can't sleep.  I feel a little overwhelmed, as if I'm just not doing enough.  LG is so sweet, and I think pretty easy-going, as kids go, but then again, I don't have any comparison.

I was able to spend some time with her when we came home, whilst DW went back to work almost immediately.  I was the primary for a few weeks, and then DW cut back on work, so since I've gone back to work, DW has been the primary, and then LG started day care.   She's used to daycare now.   I was picking her up every day, but the last few weeks of work have been extremely busy and I haven't been able to leave on-time to pick her up.  So I think it's added a little strain on our relationship, or maybe I'm just having first-time parent guilt?  But it's been really great for DW/LG bonding - they are so mother-daughter, it's fantastic to see. 

We purposely didn't do the Primary bonding, but maybe made some extra effort for LG to bond with me, since she might have been afraid of a male, since all of the SWI  workers were women.  But we both fed her, bathed her, held her, changed her, dressed her, groomed her, held her, as 'evenly' as possible.  We take turns putting her down, and I do most of the evening activities (bath, etc.) since DW does all of the morning activities, since I leave for work before LG wakes.

Or maybe I've just been comparing our dynamics to other families?  Dunno.  

I do know that there's been some major stress for me as a Dad.  I'm afraid to be my Dad.  And I know there's been some exhibition of some of the character traits lately.  I know it's so super-common, the fear of becoming (and eventually becoming) our parents.  It's just that I've seen the relationship my Dad has with his daughter and I'm hoping to foster a better and more supportive, less-critical, more empowering and esteem-building, loving relationship with LG.  And I know the relationship I have with my Dad and hope to be a 'better' Dad than he was to me.  It's tough, I mean, he didn't have a father-figure in his life as a teen, or as a new parent, so there wasn't any role model for him to model himself after.  And it's tough for me, because I see how other Dads are, and yet I only know how my Dad was.  LG, hang in there with me, I promise to make a better effort... (and thankfully, DW is there to sometimes remind me of such a crappy job I'm doing - of trying to not be like him).

LG is growing.  Like almost in the size clothes for her age now.  She was about 6 months behind.  She can reach for things on the table, and almost open the door.  She's running and almost ready for jumping.  She climbs everything.  She feeds herself most of the time, six months ago, she had never had anything by spoon before.  Her hair is mostly even now, it was longer on 1 side than the other, I was trimming it every week during Saturday morning videos (I made a  promise to stop trimming it 3 weeks ago), and so now it's not patchy-looking and barely long enough for some small ponytails.  (which I can't put in, those hair bands are so small)

I haven't started re-reading ChinaGhosts yet.  

I don't care about the silk outfits anymore.

I don't care about the ponytails anymore.

The rickshaw font still bothers me a little bit.

But mostly I am glad the kids are being raised in loving homes.  And I read blogs out there, and I'm just amazed at the whole thing.  That we can do this.  That we do do this.  And that they (the kiddos) do this.  With us.  We should be so honored.